Fundamental 04: Laughter is the best supplementary medicine

It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed so hard.

Let me introduce you to Frank (aka. Diggy) ‏@ADignorantium. Diggy is an American and a fervent player of #HashTagGames. My favourite Diggy anecdotes are:

“Mary Poppin' pills #PsychologyFilms”

“The Girl with the Dragon Palace Menu #LowBudgetSequels

“The Out-of-DownTowners #TouristTrapMovies ...starring Sandy-beach Dennis”

On the other side of the pond is Park Bench ‏@dognabbit. His profile reads “Would-be comedian. Would-be engineer. Not to be confused with a Would-be Wood Bee.” Here are some of my favourite jokes from Park Bench:

“It's so disappointing when you scan your backside on the photocopier, as an office prank, and it automatically selects A3 paper.”

“Think I know why I'm so miserable. My girlfriend's full-cup bra is half empty.”

“Had an plan to sort out my finances this month, and not waste any money on recreational drugs, but it's all gone to pot.”

I’m sure laughter is what a good doctor would have ordered. But I have to warn you of the side-effects which include Twitter addiction and incontrollable hysterics!

Understanding Mental Health & Substance Use in 12 Languages

The good folks at Here To Help has made their factsheets on mental health and substance use available in the following languages: 

• Arabic
• Simplified Chinese
• Traditional Chinese
• English
• Farsi (Persian)/ Dari
• French
• Korean
• Punjabi
• Russian
• Spanish
• Japanese
• Vietnamese

Check them out!

Insight 06: I’m not alone!

It’s been exactly 20 days since I’ve started this blog and I’m happy to have found a few people that I can totally relate with.

I met Seaneen Molloy when I googled “bipolar blogs” and her site, thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com, was listed in the top 10 by Psycentral. Seaneen is Northern Irish and a bipolar patient but what I like most about her is her dark humour. Recently she wrote about her father’s death and she designed a postcard which said “Happy Father’s Day! Sorry you’re dead.” I haven’t found another bipolar blogger that has a sense of humour quite like Seaneen’s.

Then I met Charlotte when I searched for “@bipolar” in Twitter. Charlotte is in her 30s and you guessed it, she’s diagnosed with bipolar too. In her blog, purplepersuasion.wordpress.com, she talks intimately about her life and her posts are well researched. We share a common issue – gaining weight while being prescribed with mood stabilisers which according her, made her lose motivation to exercise. I was once a fitness freak - I ran and cycled so much that I was as thin as a stick. Then I went through a long depression phase where even the thought of leaving my house was too much for me. So I’d put on 16kgs and now I have love handles that nobody loves. I’m glad to have found someone like Charlotte who’s going through the same motions as I am.

I also gained a follower called Pocket Riders via Twitter. Pocket Riders is a charity organisation that offers moral support to those who suffer from mental illness. One day I was feeling sick from loneliness so I thought of going to a tourist bar and talk to strangers. I tweeted Pocket Riders about it but being bipolar I was swinging back and forth on the idea. Finally I decided to go and it’s mainly because I told someone about it so I better come good on decision. When I was at the bar a Pocket Rider tweeted me and said that’s a great idea and asked me if I know where to find them when I need them next. I said “Yeah, right here in my pocket.” They replied “You could have had a dust out in here ;)” I laughed and went back a happy man.

Honestly I still feel miserable from time to time but at least now I’ve some people that I can relate with and also talk to. I’m definitely not alone!

Insight 05: Mania is my muse & my addiction

I had a good session with my doctor last Saturday. He’s happy with how my mood has picked up and how I’ve taken concrete steps to look for a job and to keep myself occupied. It has been a long journey as I was depressed for more than a year.

When I’m depressed I feel numb. When my sisters reach out to me I do not feel their love. When I eat I do not taste. When I speak I do not say anything. When I see a hot chick I do not feel horny. The only time I socialised was in my dreams.

There was one thing that I consistently felt - desperation. I was desperate to get back into a manic phase. Only then I’ll feel comfortable in my own skin because I’ll be productive, entertaining, adventurous – basically feeling on top of the world.

I was hoping that the anti-depressants will do the trick as my doctor has been upping the dosages and trying different brands. But they didn’t so I took matters into my own hands. I tried smoking weed again but it made me sadder and paranoid. I drank beer in the morning but all it gave me was a hangover. Then I went to a few clinics to score sleeping pills, mix them with beer but all it gave me were delusions.

There are some days I do feel a little more upbeat. But when I look into my wallet, there’s no money inside because I haven’t been working for a long time. I look at my car and it’s damaged in so many places. So I’d switch on the TV and lie on the couch. I surrendered to my predicament.

Now my thoughts are more lucid. I realised that even if my doctor was to give me 10 anti-depressants a day, my mood will not change if I don’t make attempts to change the reality. And I can’t get into the manic phase because when I was manic I had a career and the means to lead a rock & roll lifestyle.

So do I want to be manic again? The answer is a half-hearted yes. Because now I realised that mania is not just my muse, it’s also my bitch.

Insight 04: My mood swings don't make me a swinger

All bipolar sufferers go through mood swings which are extreme and irrational. Some of us experience these mood swings daily, weekly or monthly. My manic and depressive phases can last for years.

About two and half years ago, I started seeing another psychiatrist and I found that I could get along with him and I’ve been seeing him to this day. He prescribed me with lithium to contain my mood swings, Zoloft to pick up my mood as I was depressed when I first saw him, and Rivotril to help me sleep at night.  

Very soon after that my mood started to change but it’s mainly because I managed to sell off my condo for a nice profit. I was flushed with cash that I never had before. I was so happy that I spent a lot of it by buying photographic equipment that I didn’t need and it went as far as setting up a complete photography studio in my house.

I also got obsessed with running. I’ve always liked to run because when I’m running I don’t think about anything. So I got myself a brand new pair of Nike shoes. The shoes had this “Nike+” sign on it and I was curious to find out more. Turns out I could actually track the progress of my run by using the Nike+ app on my iPod. All I needed to do was to dial in my distance goal, say 8k and as I ran a voice would tell me “One kilometer completed.” At the push of a button it ‘d tell me “7 kilometers to go. Pace 6 mins/km. Calories 103.” But the best thing was that at the end of the run Lance Armstrong appeared on my headphones and said “Hi. This is Lance Armstrong. Congratulations, this is your longest workout yet.” How cool was that?

So every day I‘d get up early in the morning and I looked forward to running faster and longer so that I could hear Lance Armstrong congratulating me. One of my best friends was into running so she invited me to run with her friends who are veterans and have been running marathons for decades. For six days a week I‘d run in the morning with these people or I‘d run alone. Within six months I was as fit as a fiddle. I could run 10km in 50 minutes, I completed a half-marathon race in less than two hours and I could run up to three hours without stopping.

Things got even crazier when I picked up cycling. I was so obsessed with Lance Armstrong that I bought a Trek bike which is a brand endorsed by him. I also had his helmet, sunglasses, jersey and even his wristband. I‘d start cycling at 5 a.m. and my route was 40km long. That included a 10km hill climb and I‘d always challenge myself to complete the climb within 30 minutes. After weeks of trying I still couldn’t achieve the time goal and I‘d go home frustrated.

Here’s the insane fact – After running or cycling, I’d smoke a joint. Yes, it’s one of my demons that I’ve talked about in my post “Fear and Loathing”. Throughout the day I’d smoke 5 more joints. Most people feel relaxed when they smoke weed but I’ve the opposite reaction as it makes me hyperactive and it fuels my mania. I didn’t tell my psychiatrist that I’m always stoned when I see him and he had never took notice.

I was in this manic phase for nine months and all of a sudden I feel depressed. I couldn’t find any reason for feeling low as I still had enough money to sustain my lifestyle, I was physically fit and I was closer to my friends than ever before. It was as if I woke up one morning and the light bulb in my head just went off. I felt lethargic and I was upset because I’ve signed up to run a full marathon and I needed to train but I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I stayed home, slept most of the time and I ignored my friends’ phone calls and messages.

My mood was so foul that I sought comfort in alcohol. I hated myself for that because I didn’t drink a drop of anything alcoholic for the nine months prior. But I decided to drown in my sorrows and very soon I turned to the bastard son of my Lucifer – mixing a strong sleeping pill with beer. Whenever I had that concoction, I‘d completely lose my memory and my inhabitations. I‘d call my friends and talk absolute crap with them and when I wake up the next day I couldn’t remember what I did and where I was.

I missed a few appointments with my doctor and when he called me on the phone I was off my head and I was screaming at him. He told me that he was going for work-related trip but he wanted to see me immediately when he returns.

I did finally tell him everything when I saw him. He wasn’t completely surprised, in fact he was sympathetic. I asked him why did I fall into depression again and he told me that is the very nature of being bipolar and I could feel down without any rhyme or reason. He also told me that I will have this condition for life.

I was depressed for about a year and all I did was sleep, eat and watched TV. The thing is that I never had the habit of watching TV but during that period I watched everything from American Idol to American Choppers. I was so bored I even watched Dinner Party Wars.

My doctor was trying hard to turn my mood around so he stopped the lithium, put me on Pristiq and Lexapro (both anti-depressants) and Quetiapine to help me relax. I discovered that Quetiapine made me feel very drowsy and I could sleep for 12 to sometimes 16 hours a day. It also gave me a hangover effect when I get out of bed. Within this depressive phase I put on 16kgs. I’m no longer in any shape or form to run like before.

It was only three weeks ago that I started feeling some sense of positivity. That’s why I’m able to write this blog. I’ve also started looking for a 9-5 job mainly because I don’t want to be stuck at home feeling lonely and depressed.

My mood swings certainly don’t make me a swinger!

Insight 03: Relationships are not for me

Note: This post is sexually explicit. Those below the age of 18 please don’t read any further. You’ve been warned.

I fall in love for the wrong reason - great sex.

Take W for example. W was a stranger working in a strange land. She’s absolutely gorgeous , 5ft 9” and an amazing figure to boot. I wanted to sleep with her on our first date but she insisted that we should wait till our 3^rd date. We went to a club on the 3^rd date and we both had an Ecstasy pill. When we kissed it seemed that we were melting into each other.

So we went back to my place and we had sex from 4 till 7 in the morning. You see, the anti-depressant pills that I’ve been prescribed makes it very hard for me to cum. Besides, we shared the same ideals and the same sense of humour. We were a great couple.

The second time we had wild sex. We did it on the balcony of her apartment which had a view of the entire city. After that, we also did it on her boss’s table and a public toilet.

A couple of months later, W told me that her company wanted to post her to country that’s in a different continent altogether. Without hesitating I told her that I love her and I want her to stay. She told me that she felt the same way too.

So we rented an apartment and moved in together. She’s great at networking and soon she managed to get a job here as well. The problem was that I quickly got bored of seeing her day in and day out. Our sex life went from doing it daily, to 2-3 times a week, then to 3-4 times a month. After 3 years of cohabitation, we had sex probably once a month at best.

I was also very stressed out because my working hours were so long. I would get into the office at 9 a.m. and leave about 10 p.m. Most weeks I had to work on Saturday as well. I was exhausted and depressed for more than a year. W was an angel and she tried to cheer me up whenever I’m feeling low. She was with me through thick and thin.

But after 3 years of being together she knew that I’ve fallen out of love with her. She moved out of the apartment and I didn’t even make any attempts to stop her. Half a year later she moved back to her own country.

Then Y came along. I thought Y was cute so I asked her out. We went back to her place after our first date and had great sex. Y and I were intellectually compatible and we had the same kind of humour. She was staying alone in her apartment and after 3 months of seeing each other I asked her to move in with me since we were spending so much time together and we could split the rent. Sounded like a good idea to me.

I soon realised that Y is a selfish person. When we’re having sex, I’m the one who have to do most of the work. She likes to have multiple orgasms so she’ll ask me to keep banging her till she cums and cums again. My abdominal and leg muscles ache from trying to satisfy her.

But the worse thing was that she turned into an obsessive person. She was working at a sales job which gave her plenty of free time and nothing else to do but to disturb me. When I go out for drinks with my guy friends she would ask me why I don’t take her with me. Once she even threatened to kill herself because I rather have drinks with my friend then to be with her.

I was depressed because of her obsessive behaviour. We had numerous fights and finally I threw her out. The instant she was out of my life I felt that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was so happy that I became productive at work and I had great nights out with my friends.

I’ve finally learned my lesson and from then onwards I’ve never had any more serious relationships. I went out with a few women purely for sex and when I grew tired of them I wouldn’t pick up their calls or sometimes I would even erase them from my facebook.

From time to time, I would also pay for sex. The best thing about it is that nobody gets hurt and I could have anything that I fancy – big tits, perky tits, come-fuck-me looks, girls with glasses, big ass, long legs, girls who licked my ass and let me cum in their mouth.

In the movie Days of Being Wild, a suave Andy Lau approached a beautiful but reserved-looking Maggie Cheung and asked her to stare at the clock on the wall for one minute. She was puzzled but did what she was told. After staring at the clock for a minute, Andy Lau told Maggie Cheung “From now onwards, we’re one minute friends.”

A few times the prostitute that I had sex with have asked me if I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I told her that she could be my girlfriend for 45 minutes.

Fundamental 03: I shall not relate with celebrities who have bipolar disorder

I get a sense of comfort knowing that there’re celebrities who have bipolar disorder. When I’m feeling low I’ll google them and tell myself “Look at all these people who’re rich and famous. They’re bipolar too. Maybe people with bipolar are destined to do great things in life.”

One of my favourite celebrities is George Michael. I’m not sure if he’s bipolar but I’ve watched his interview on Bio channel and he admitted that he was clinically depressed. I like George because he’s a darn good singer/songwriter, he’s the epitome of style, he’s very frank and he was smoking 8 joints a day (like I was).

Recently I’ve started looking for a job after living the life of a bum and a recluse for one and a half years. I was very confused. I’ve spent more than 12 years in the creative industry but my doctor has been persuading me to get a 9-5 job instead. Partially I did agree with him cause I do need aa semblance of a normal life but I didn’t know what else I’d be good at and I hated the fact that I had to rebuild my career from scratch.

I was asking myself what kind of career will be suitable for someone who’s bipolar? Then it struck me that I should stop thinking of people like Mel Gibson, Axl Rose, Stephen Fry, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Carrie Fisher etc. The fact is they can afford to be working for a couple of months and then take a few years off when they're feeling depressed. Celebrities make millions in a short span of time. I don’t.

That’s why I’ve sent my resume to a couple of headhunters telling them that I need a fresh start and I’m fine with a salary that’s lower then what I used to earn. It’s time to be realistic.